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Six entries lie ahead..

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For only six chances I have in determining the style and also the content in the upcoming more ‘mature’ entries to come. For now, the style of a dark evil emperor who hungers for power attracts me. Intellectual, cultured palate and extremely aristocratic tastes, it would best be described as a combination of Hannibal Lecter, Vlad the Impaler, V for Vendetta and Kain, but with a compassionate side that becomes evident on many occasions.

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Yes, I am now addicted to power. As they all said;

“A man’s life can be corrupted by these three components; women, wealth and power.”

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Several eons ago, my life had been corrupted by a woman. Thus the fraudulent had been tasted. Now, I would like to seek more power as to experiment my own self upon the feelings of being consumed by it. Thus, I have to affiliate myself to it, attached to it and focus my concentration to it. This would be interesting, wouldn’t it?

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Ah, yes.. “Affiliation”.. How amusing when one was affiliated with a clan (or to some, the terms ‘school’, ‘batch’, or ‘club’ might be more accurate). Most ironic of all, were the hardships to be recognized in the clan itself, as were to quit it. When one was so attached to it, surely it shows that his/her involvement means something either within the clan itself, or just within his/her own point of view. Whether that period of ‘attachment’ has changed him/her much or less, as long as it has its sentimental (or better still, a ‘monumental’) value to one’s self, one will always has the need to feel ‘belonged’ to that particular clan.

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Unless.. The period of attachment to the clan itself has changed nothing to one’s self. Or perhaps the clan members themselves were meaningless – or in ruthless, yet ‘respectful’ words, have already expired their values and usage – to one’s self. Ah, yes. In just one simple word, they had already become obsolete throughout the journey of one’s life.

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A heartbreaking truth, yet intriguing indeed. No one could be blamed for it. It was an unsurprisingly human nature – to manipulate other humans to accomplish one’s own needs. As if it was business, but in a more ‘subtle’ situation. One would satisfy in gaining something that he/she needs, as long as the penalty for the transaction is reasonable. Even one’s affiliation cannot outrun the reality of the trade. For once a man has joined a clan, he was bound to it. And surely with a dearly price – loyalty.

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Indeed a man alone is fragile. But if he was belonged to a community, a group of other men, he then decreased his vulnerability. But that was just a trivial alibi. In reality, the main reason any man would affiliate himself to a clan was the satisfactory feelings of being appreciated by other human being – the clan itself.

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Huh.. Any ‘MAN’..

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As for me, an invitation has been received – an assembly of old associates, as well as old archenemies. It will be held at the end of this month, the date of independence of our motherland. It has been a long time since I have met those people. It will be a nostalgic moment indeed (as well as cold-blooded vendetta).

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Eons ago, long before I enter the gates of ‘The Universe’ (or some may understand better with the term ‘university’), we were a fine immature society, trapped in the realm of youth. It was in that realm where we all have met and proclaimed our intended destinies, as well as our identities. And within that voyage of life, some have encountered power, love, trust, friendship, excitement, vengeance, death, and more. Some also may not even altered, and remain equivalent throughout the whole journey in that realm. While I, have found nothing. Yet, I’ve changed slightly.

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Nothingness..

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It was not because of the never-ending search for destiny, or the unspeakable torment of dilemma in choosing the most suitable identity. There was nothing in that realm that could attract my interest. In my sight of wisdom, all of them were just meaningless, as well as worthless. And thus, in that epoch, I was to suffer the fate of inadequate and unbeneficial beings – an eternal damnation of boredom.

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But seeing it in the eyes of a puppet master, without realizing, I slowly changed. As if each every path which I have chosen with my free will has led me closer to my intended destiny – the sacred gates of truth about one’s self. Thus, upon my curiosity, do I really created my own destiny with my free will, or just dragged by the flow of time towards my artificial history and arranged destiny?

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That, I still do not know. Perhaps it is just the same. We may assume that we took the right course of actions with our free will, but instead, they were just the predicted acts, orchestrated by the hands of the prime mover who cultivates the strings of the puppet, carefully arranged us to feel the freedom of free will in implementing his plans in his desired direction. Without even realizing it, we were just pawns of a mastermind.

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Thus, that had made the realm worthless to me. A realm whereby each person became pawns of someone else. A realm where each person was so desperate to affiliate and belong to certain community, to be acknowledged, to be belonged, even though they have already knew the price for the equivalent trade – being manipulated as a puppet.

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It was that reason that had made me to realize about ‘free will’. To seek something which only attracts my own attention, and against the interest of others. However, not much things could attract me. Thus, that epoch was the most tedious period of my voyage of life.

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To some, I was an ignorant fool, filled with defiance and stubbornness, unable to comply towards their orders and commands. But to most of them, I am just nobody, an unaffiliated member, a strayed dog.

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For several times, I have infiltrated into several sub clans. Yet, nothing in those clans could please my needs. And thus, my hunt to satisfy this relentless hunger had come to waste. Each every day I was tormented by boredom. My mind level was stagnant and constrained by some of those wretched fools. As an outcome, as if I was ‘paralyzed’ throughout the period in that realm. Imprisoned in time.

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With no enhancement which benefits me, time started to be wasted, hatred started to breed. With all the hates in my veins, I hate all. Hate the realm, hate those wretched fools, hate the place, and most of all, my own existence in that very realm with unfulfilled improvement which could satisfy this relentless hunger for something new and different, yet practical.

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At last, the moment I had been waiting for has arrived. The moment of freedom from the torment of boredom and hypocrisy in that hated realm. Just a flick after my last task in finishing the last manuscript (or in a normal terms ‘the last paper of the exam’), my vengeful spirit aroused. Without any hesitation and time wasted, I plunged out from the realm without even saying farewell to any of its peasants. Freedom was more precious than the word ‘goodbye’ or pictures with all those peasants.

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It was that freedom that had led me to my destiny, the gates of The Universe. Even though I was cast away from my own clan (the batch Jan 2000), I have been received by a more valuable ‘mixed’ clan which had altered me a lot, and thus fulfilled my previous hunger. The price for the transaction was high. I had to pay it with humiliations, failures, money, and most of all, time – my lifespan indeed. Yet with so much investment, I would not mind to pledge my loyalty as long as I gain the benefits and fulfilled my inner and outer needs. The law of equivalent trade.

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Thus, to my old acquaintances and archenemies.. The truth is, I am not interested at all to be belonged with all of you, or rather, with your clan. In a more direct way to say it, I decline your invitation. I know you want to produce a record, the profile of each peasant in that previous realm. Well, just proceed your effort without me. You have no need of me, and I have no need of you. You don’t have any transaction which attracts me to do business with you anymore. You also did not promise me any benefits. And even though you had promised to give co-operation, I would promise you the same, but it would be a lie.. And thus, the transaction should end.

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Perhaps if previously one of your wretched fools did not dishonor the knowledge that I had gained in my current clan, I would be interested to give co-operation with you even though I don’t even feel related with your clan.

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You may humiliate me, you may even put my document (resume) in disgrace. Because for those actions, they only involving me. Thus, I may have forgiven you. But since one of your wretched idiots has already dishonored THE KNOWLEDGE which I had gained, and most of all, my current clan itself, those are absolutely unforgivable. And of course, I would not like to accept your invitation just to meet that wretched idiot, wouldn’t I?

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I would be pleased to be forgotten by your clan, or perhaps be deleted from all of your memories. This is because I would do the same thing to you and your clan too. And most of all, I have something much more important thing to pursue (power) than attending your clan’s assembly, which the content of its tentative does not interests me at all.

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“Take help where it is offered. But I have always found that help offered when not needed. As usually no help at all..”

(Kain, The Legacy of Kain: Blood Omen 2)

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And thus, I decline my attachment and withdraw my affiliation from your clan.

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But wouldn’t it just useless?

I had already rejected and despised your clan eons ago..

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