Hmm.. Sudah lama tak guna Bahasa Melayu, apatah lagi bahasa yang skematik. Jadi, sebelum kata putus untuk gaya yang harus dipilih untuk entry yang dikira ‘matang’, ada baiknya dicuba terlebih dahulu bahasa standard ni. Manalah tau, kot terasa menarik la pulak. Ye tak?

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Ketika belajar di universiti dahulu, saya ada bertemu dengan seseorang. Orang itu amat dihormati, yang kini menjadi salah seorang daripada sepuluh pengetua cemerlang di Malaysia, yang kini mengajar di salah sebuah sekolah yang terkenal di Perak. Beliaulah antara orang yang banyak membentuk corak pemikiran saya untuk menjadi diri yang sekarang ini.

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Yang menariknya ialah ketika kami berborak, beliau akan menggunakan kesempatan itu untuk ‘rehearse’ ucapan dan ceramahnya pada saya dan sahabat-sahabat saya. Itu memang suatu yang tak disangka-sangka. Hinggalah apabila beliau menyatakannya, barulah kami menyedarinya.

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Dalam perbualan yang santai seperti itu, beliau berborak seperti biasa (tiada formaliti), tetapi isi dan perdu kepada kata-katanya itu merupakan bahan yang akan disampaikannya dalam ceramahnya (sebagai bahan mengajar kursus kepada pengetua-pengetua lain!) untuk hari yang akan datang, di mana kursus itu terpaksa dibayar beratus-ratus ringgit sebagai kos pembelajarannya. Saya dan sahabat-sahabat saya pula boleh mempelajarinya hanya dengan secawan teh panas dan beberapa cucuk satay sahaja.

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Apa yang menarik ialah apabila beliau menghuraikan sebab-musabab perbuatannya itu yang berdasarkan falsafah “menggunakan segala apa yang ada”. Contoh paling mudah yang dapat dilihat adalah sebagaimana kata-kata yang dahulunya hebat dilaung-laungkan, “Wawasan 2020”, yang dipelopori oleh Mahathir. Persoalan yang timbul ialah:

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“Jika Perdana Menteri ditukar, adakah Perdana Menteri yang seterusnya akan meneruskan Wawasan 2020 hasil Perdana Menteri yang lama, atau adakah dia akan mencipta wawasan barunya sendiri? Katalah jika saya menjadi seorang pengetua sekolah yang baru, patutkah saya melancarkan rancangan saya sendiri untuk memantapkan kehebatan sekolah, atau patutkah saya mengikut rancangan pengetua lama yang masih belum selesai?”

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Atas sebab itulah kita perlu menggunakan segala apa yang ada dan tidak perlu terlalu berjimat dan berharap pada generasi yang seterusnya. Maka itulah yang diterapkan dalam bab berpersatuan. Jika dengan penat lelah kita meningkatkan taraf ekonomi persatuan hingga banyak duit berada dalam simpanan, wajarkah ia diwariskan pada komiti yang seterusnya? Sekali tengok, komiti baru dok memperabih duit tu untuk majlis makan yang kaw-kaw daaaa.. Mereka kenyang, kita pula apa yang dapat? Ada baiknya digunakan untuk komiti lama berpesta dan bersukaria daripada hasil titik peluh sendiri. Itu lebih bermakna.

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Maka samalah nasibnya dengan Wawasan 2020. Apa yang sudah terjadi dengan istilah tersebut? Apakah maknanya lagi pada generasi sekarang? Bagaimana pula dengan segala ‘pelaburan’ yang diusahakan sebelumnya untuk objektif tersebut?

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Itu jika kita lihat dalam bab pelaburan dan perancangan. Dalam bab persediaan pula, itulah yang diaplikasikan oleh beliau (menggunakan peluang bersama saya dan sahabat-sahabat saya untuk rehearse ceramah). Menggunakan bukan sahaja segala sumber yang ada, malah segala peluang dan kemampuan yang ada.

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Pada ketika kata-katanya berkenaan falsafah tersebut disampaikan, ia seolah-olah hanya sekadar satu ‘data’ yang menarik untuk didengar. Tetapi apabila saya mula bergiat dalam alam kerjaya, barulah saya sedar, itulah KEMAHIRAN penting yang harus diutamakan (terutama sekali apabila terlibat dalam bidang pengurusan). Barulah saya sedar betapa berharganya ilmu yang terkandung di sebalik kata-katanya, jauh melebihi harga secawan teh tarik dan beberapa cucuk satay.

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Barulah saya sedar, segala arahan dalam kelas mempertahankan diri dahulu;

“Jangan berhenti bila tak teringat buah!! Tunggu apa lagi??!! Habiskan je dengan apa-apa buah sekalipun yang teringat dek kepala otak tu!! Tak dapat habiskan dengan buah, habiskan dengan pemakan!!”

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memberi impak yang besar dalam merealisasikan falsafah tersebut.

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Ya, penggunaan segala sumber, peluang dan kemampuan masih belum memadai. Tindakbalas refleks dalam menggunakan masa yang paling singkat itu juga sangat penting dalam membuat keputusan dan mencari jalan alternatif yang lain. Dalam keadaan yang genting, itulah elemen yang akan menyelamatkan kedudukan dan pretasi diri daripada rungutan pelanggan dan tengkingan boss.

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Apa yang pasti, dalam mempraktikkan ‘menggunakan segala APA yang ada’, salah satu daripada perkara yang tergolong dalam kategori ‘APA’ itu adalah kuasa. Dan dengan memiliki kuasa itulah falsafah tersebut dapat diperkasakan lagi kepada ‘menggunakan SESIAPA sahaja yang ada’. Tidak kira siapa sekalipun – pekerja, pelanggan, boss, pelabur, kawan, musuh – semuanya boleh ‘dimanipulasikan’ (dalam bahasa kasarnya lah) dalam setiap jalan penyelesaian untuk kita mencapai objektif yang diingini.

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Dalam situasi blogging ini misalnya, barulah saya sedar bahawa dengan secara tidak langsung, saya sendiri seolah-olah telah ‘dilatih’ (sebenarnya ‘dipengaruhi’) oleh ideologi beliau.

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Layout blog terasa kosong?

Tambahkan shaja gambar yang boleh diperoleh di mana-mana sahaja dalam Internet.

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Kepala tajuk tidak cukup ruang untuk menaip dan menyusun gambar?

Gunakan sahaja Microsoft Powerpoint untuk menyusunnya yang kemudiannya di ‘print screen’ dan diubahsuai formatnya melalui Microsofr Paint.

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Ingin menyusun entry supaya pembaca boleh membaca mengikut urutan bacaan?

Gunakan sahaja kaedah pernomboran.

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Ingin merujuk semula entry tanpa perlu menaip semula tajuknya?

Ringkaskan sahaja dengan hanya menaip nombornya.

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Arkib blog tidak memuaskan dan tidak dapat disusun sebagaimana yang dikehendaki?

Gunakan sahaja entry pada blog lain sebagai jalan arkibnya.

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Komen orang lain mula lari dari tajuk?

Klik sahaja icon ‘delete’.

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Masalah masih tak berkesudahan?

Halau sahaja ia keluar.

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Semuanya digunakan cara yang bersesuaian dengan kemampuan diri, yang ada pada diri pada ketika itu. Yang penting, habiskan sahaja ‘buah’. Ikut cara mana nak habiskan, dan macam mana rupa endingnya, itu belakang kira. Atau dengan kata lain, falsafah:

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“Proceed je dulu.. Masalah fikir kemudian..”

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Apa yang menariknya ialah apabila seorang konsultan yang menggunakan fasiliti tempat saya bekerja ini menceritakan pengalaman dan berkongsi pengetahuannya dalam sesi borak-borak membuang masa di malam hari. Jika mengikut cara kerjanya (yang dipelajari daripada gurunya, seorang konsultan  yang berbangsa Cina), mereka tidak langsung akan menumpukan perhatian pada kertas kerja dalam nak menjalankan sesebuah modul.

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“Haiyoo.. Buat apa mau pakai itu kertas kilija? Lu tengok aaa, wa punya olang (Chinese) mana ada buat itu kertas kilija.. Bagi kertas A4 kosong saja sulah laa.. Time itu juga balu kita belajar spontaneous lo.. Lu buat itu kertas kilija pun, sure talak ikut 100% lo..”

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Melalui kenyatan tersebut, ada beberapa perkara yang dapat saya tahkidkan. Pertamanya, jika kita adalah yang jenis suka pakai serban dan membahasakan diri sebagai “Ana” walaupun nama kita bukan Suzana, Rohana, Anna Nicole Smith, Anna Kournikova, ataupun Brianna Banks, kenyataan ini pasti tertahkid:

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“Kita hanya merancang, tetapi yang menentukan ialah Dia..”

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Bukannya bermaksud saya ingin cuba menghasut orang ramai untuk menghapuskan budaya kertas kerja. Perdunya ialah kita janganlah menjadikan kenyataan tersebut sebagai alasan. Yang penting, kita hendaklah berusaha untuk melaksanakannya sesempurna mungkin.

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Yang kedua, apa yang saya dapat simpulkan adalah itu adalah satu kemahiran yang sangat berharga pada mereka yang suatu ketika dahulu semasa belajar adalah orang yang selalu buat assignment last-last minit. Memang pada dasarnya ia bukanlah satu budaya yang elok, tetapi jika kita lihat pada sudut yang positif, orang jenis ini mempunyai satu kelebihan yang nyata – kreatif dan bijak dalam mencari jalan penyelesaian alternatif dalam keadaan yang genting, dengan kaedah yang spontan.

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Secara jujurnya, dalam setiap apa yang berlaku sekalipun, bak kata orang putih, “Shit happens”. Sehebat-hebat perancang seperti Michael Scoffield sekalipun, rancangannya tidak berjalan lancar sebagaimana Plan A yang ideal. Jika tersasar, maka falsafah menggunakan segala apa (dan siapa) yang ada pada diri sendiri itulah yang digunapakai.

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Barulah saya faham kenapa terdapat isu di mana graduan-graduan yang pandai-pandai dengan CGPA yang hebat tidak mampu untuk mencapai tahap dan prestasi sebagaimana yang diharapkan oleh syarikat-syarikat yang mengambil mereka bekerja. Pertamanya, kerana minda itu telah disempitkan hanya dengan Plan A yang ideal. Jika barang tak ada, maka tiadalah jalan penyelesaian lain, maka terbengkalailah ia begitu sahaja.

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Kadangkala, melalui cara belajar dan menjawab soalan perperiksaan pun kita sendiri sudah boleh mengenalpasti bagaimanakah sebenarnya tahap pemikiran seseorang. Kadangkala, terdapat orang yang apabila tidak mampu menjawab satu soalan kerana tidak mengingati rumus, maka akan ditinggalkannya, walaupun cara kerjanya diketahui. Sedangkan terdapat banyak cara untuk menyelesaikannya walaupun tanpa menggunakan rumus tersebut.

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Sedangkan jika kita mengaplikasikan konsep algebra, boleh sahaja kita memperoleh jawapannya. Apa yang pasti, jawapan hanya akan menjadi tidak tepat sebagaimana yang digariskan oleh skema (jawapan yang sepatutnya hanya satu nombor telah menjadi satu persamaan dengan pelbagai huruf pula), tetapi adakah bermaksud jawapan tersebut dan konsep jalan kerjanya salah?

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Selalu kita dinasihatkan bahawa jika kita tidak boleh menjawab soalan tersebut, kita harus meninggalkannya dan beralih kepada soalan lain yang boleh kita jawab. Ya, betul. Tetapi jika situasinya adalah hanya bab pada soalan itu sahaja yang kita sudah mengulangkaji (manakala soalan lain memang kita haprak pun tak tau), yang mana hanya soalan itu sahaja yang akan menentukan lulus atau gagalnya kita dalam subjek tersebut, patutkah kita menyerah, duduk berteleku dengan kening yang berkerut, memeras otak untuk mengingat semula rumus, atau patutkah kita berusaha dengan sumber-sumber dan pengetahuan lain yang sudah pun ada pada diri sendiri?

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Kerap yang menjadi penyelamat saya dalam ‘lulus tipis’ pada subjek-subjek tertentu adalah konsep tersebut. Jika sudah terlupa rumus, tetapi tahu cara kerjanya, buat sahajalah. Jangan buang masa. Mana tahu mungkin dalam 2 minit sebelum masa tamat, barulah dapat diingat semula rumusnya, maka gantikan sahajalah dalam huruf algebra tersebut untuk memperoleh nilai sebenar. Secara tidak langsung, soalan yang mengambil masa 20 minit untuk diselesaikan dapat di’cover balik’ dalam hanya 2 minit sahaja.

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Itulah yang selalu berlaku di alam realiti. Kita kadangkala dipertanggungjawabkan atas sesuatu (projek misalnya), tetapi yang menjadi masalah pada ketika masa yang terhad itu adalah kekurangan sumber. Adakah bermaksud kita mesti perlu tunggu barang sampai baru boleh disambung kerja, ataupun adakah kita boleh buat sementara waktu menggunakan sumber yang ada pada ketika itu?

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Pada saya, itulah satu-satunya kemahiran yang dipelajari di universiti, yang tidak pun diajar di dalam kelas kuliah, yang menjadi kemahiran yang sangat penting dalam bidang kerja saya. Terutama sekali apabila berada dalam situasi ‘cinta tiga segi’ (pelanggan, pekerja dan boss semua akan tuju peluru pada saya). Dalam keadaan genting dan masa yang terhad itulah sesebuah keputusan dan jalan penyelesaian perlu dilaksanakan untuk kesejahteraan semua pihak (dibaca: “to save my ass”).

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Tak cukup barang?

Punggah sahaja stor kot terjumpa apa-apa yang boleh dipakai buat sementara waktu untuk mengkaburi mata pelanggan dan boss.

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Dah order barang, tapi masih belum sampai?

Cabut sahaja barang terpakai dari mana-mana bahagian lain dahulu buat sementara. Nanti gantikanlah balik.

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Nak order barang, tapi petty cash tak ada?

Dahulukan sahaja pembeliannya dengan duit PEKERJA (bukan duit sendiri), nanti claim lah balik.

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Banyak lagi masalah yang dihadapi, tetapi berkat teori falsafah secawan teh dan beberapa cucuk satay tersebut, ia merupakan suatu pengalaman dan sesi mempertajamkan kemahiran membuat keputusan yang sangat bermakna.

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Kesimpulannya, sememangnya terbukti kata-kata seseorang kepada saya ketika saya belajar di universiti dahulu:

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“Engkau belajar kat U ni, nanti bila kau keluar dan bekerja, yang kau belajar kat kelas yang diaplikasikan tu tak sampai 5% pun. Benda-benda yang macam inilah baru yang banyak diaplikasikan.. Kalau tak percaya, kau tengoklah nanti..”

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“Adi, have you encountered any ghost in your whole life?”

He asked me.

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“No.. Not yet..”

I replied.

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“Do you want to see one?”

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“Heh..”

I replied with a smirk.

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Putting that dialogue aside, as usual, I have always spent my leisure hours training my mind and improving my wisdom in The Dark Gates Of Knowledge – the cinema. Intriguingly, one of the most interesting things that I have seen was See How They Run. A Thailand movie about a short pale blue bald ghost kid (or in our beloved motherland term, the ‘Toyol’). But this toyol is different. He does not steal money as we all know. Instead, beneath that comedy, there was a good message to be learnt (at the end of the story).

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Yes, that sure is a rare song indeed. And since we would always hear his song especially in this ‘independence’ month, why not we try to enjoy his ‘unusual’ Gaban-like old unpopular song for a change instead.

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Anyway, in this independence aromatic scent season, as we all know, there would be many talks, forums or shows with ‘independence’ as their main topic. And of course, for those religious freaks, they would surely ‘redefine’ the term ‘independence’ as to relate it closer to God, and thus thank God for blessing us with this feeling of independence – especially to our beloved motherland.

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And speaking of God, there is certain thing which intrigues me in the movie Evan Almighty. The part where the wife was ‘preached’ by Morgan Freeman in the restaurant:

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“When you pray to God to be blessed with courage, do you think God will give you that courageous feeling, or the opportunity to be courageous? When you pray to God to be given happiness, will God give you that comfort and cozy feeling of happiness or the opportunity to be happy?”

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Thus, for our ‘independence’, as we thank God for it and pray to Him so that we can keep this independence feeling forever, did God actually give us those things or just give us the opportunity for us to make them?

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Sometimes, we always wondered, why does people still do bad things even though the good things were shown right in front of their eyes, as if they were blinded or their heart already ‘filter’ and dispose the remnants of those good things – which the religious freaks always said as ‘still do not gain the hidayah’.

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Perhaps the statement in Evan Almighty (which some religious freaks labeled the movie as preposterous, absurd, and lead to infidelity) would be the best explanation for us to comprehend as why do some people as if were ‘blinded’ from the good things and proceed with the dark side, even if they had the chance to ‘twist’ towards the opposite side.

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Yes, God already had given to us the opportunities. The problem is whether we realized them or not, whether we would utilize all those opportunities or not. And the most important thing of all, what we would do with them.

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Perhaps that is why some people who have done many bad things will embrace religion tightly – greater than the one who has already born to live in that religion. As I have already said in Entry 77, only a person who was once blinded knows the real value of light and sight. Only a person who was desperately lost in darkness knows the true value of freedom in the light at the end of the tunnel (refer Entry 83).

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And relating to our ‘independently’ feeling of our motherland, would we felt the same as those people who already involved in the fight for independence? We might know the value of it, but we are still far beyond from the comprehension of its ‘true value’.

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We were just like a fat person who was already full, but served with good food (lets say, KFC). We only eat some bites and then stopped. Why did this happen? Because we are already full. Thus all the remaining will be wasted just like that. But for a person who is truly in great hunger, even a piece of bread in the trashcan would satisfy the hunger. Even to some people the bread has no value, added with the disgusting place it was thrown away, but to other people who knew the true value of food to relinquish the hunger, it was even more valuable than a gemstone.

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And speaking of food, the film Ratatouille also is not bad. Beneath the comedy, hidden a very subtle morale, which is something like this:

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“Yes, we might not change nature, because change IS nature..”

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The movie really is inspiring. Most interesting of all, the philosophies contained in the movie that triggers me a lot. One of them is something like this; “Cooking is like music. With just one component, you only gain one taste. But with the combination of various types of components, you will gain more tastes of music. Do not afraid to experiment with the combinations, because anyone can cook. But a great cook is only for the brave.”

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And all those are indeed true. Only the one who has the courage and brave enough to change the world (or at least one’s own world of living) could make a great difference. Sometimes, a change might not be to ‘create’ a new thing. Instead it also could be ‘altering’ or ‘modifying’ old things to suit the new needs – as we all would use the simpler term, ‘innovation’.

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Without realizing it, in our whole life, that is the thing we do. University student for example, always uses others theories, modifies them and then comes up with something which is not really ‘new’, but different and practical. Lovers for example, always uses old memories to refresh the relationship to a.. Err.. Not exactly a ‘new’ phase, but a ‘higher’ level. The truth is, the couple is still the same person. So there is nothing new exactly.

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All of them are just ‘changes’. Even in some part, it would not looks like a change (since it uses the same materials), but the ‘combination’ of those raw materials which had made it to produce a ‘new’ sensation of taste just like cooking. And sometimes, the combination itself is not sufficient. The timing also will give a great effect to the ‘newly developed’ taste.

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But the problem is, how do we generate that creativity in innovating things so that we would feel the ‘new’ essence of something old? If we relate it to the independence matter, how do we actually could experience the great taste of independence in its true value?

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The truth is, we lack of ‘desperation’ (refer Entry 83) to feel the true value of independence. Only in desperation, we could fight for it to survive. Only in desperation, we would seek success so hard even the chance are just 0.01%. But most of all, only in desperation we would pray to Him and ask him to show us the opportunity (as explained through Evan Almighty movie) to achieve it.

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Of course we did not live in those ‘desperate’ times where we were ruled by outsiders. But hey, right now we also were ruled by ‘the outsiders’ (which we sometimes use a more ‘appropriate’ term for them; The Others or The Poison Squad) but the desperation is not too great though. Even if some people might said that we are now facing much more terrorizing war which imprisoned us in our own country – mental colonization – the desperation of the people inflicted still not too great. Thus, would it be the fight for independence from that mental colonization was the objective?.

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But somehow, I feel awkward in observing those who fight in the ‘mental colonization war’. One would just stick to The Dark Side (which some people said that they are actually influenced by the culture from the west), while the other one, would fanatically stick to The Darker Side (the obsession towards religion that had made them to annihilate all infidels).

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Why? Because The Dark Side fights for freedom in their adaptation to a new culture (regardless whether the culture is positive or negative), to be ‘updated’ to a certain clans or trends. While The Darker Side fights for freedom (regardless whether their ways of approach is soft or suicide bombing) to free those infidels (or the not so religious people) from their ‘openness’, versatility and stupidity, towards outside culture and just trapped inside only in the religion.

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Culture somehow is the way of life – for certain clans. Which means, different clan has different culture. Most ironic of all, some religion claimed that they are the way of life, they are the culture, but still they only focus everything just on religion, not the way of life. So, which side is actually fights for independence? The truth is, both sides are imprisoned. The Dark Side is imprisoned due to the outsider who has already ruled their mind. While The Darker Side is also imprisoned – but in their narrow and small minded thoughts.

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The funniest thing of all is whose freedom and independence they are actually fighting for? The Dark Side fights for the so called freedom, but at the same time letting themselves to be ruled by the outsiders. While The Darker Side also fights for freedom – not THEIR freedom, but The Dark Side’s freedom, to join them in their crusade in their ‘religious prison’.

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Yes, I know. Some of you might think that I am crazy to say something like that. But as explained in the previous entry (Entry 95) in the last part after the songs, I am really interested in the phrase; “Our religions are a ‘prison’ - that is our fatal flaw.”

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Some may interpret it as:

“The religion is a prison. It is our mistake to believe in it.”

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But I would like to see it this way:

“The religion is actually freedom. It was humans themselves who made it a prison.”

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I would definitely agree to that. It is proven in ancient history that religions usually helped desperate people to change and gain new hope and new life – a more ‘independence’ harmonic mortal life with suitable rules and regulations which suits human nature and their way of life. The thing is, as time passes by, humans are as if somehow ‘have forgotten’ about that ‘freedom’ and ‘independence’ because they are too busy to think more ‘punishments’ and ‘imprisonments’. Alas, humans themselves had made religion a prison. A heartbreaking truth, isn’t it?

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With so many barricades, the space to make changes and innovations are restricted. Thus, as we pray to Him for something, even if the opportunity for us to gain the things which we had prayed for had been shown right in front of our own eyes, we still could not realize it – due to our focus on the torment in that narrow space by those barricades. Most pitiful of all, some may try to think positively as they assume that while they are in the prison, they are actually free from outside dangers, and thus, made them assumed that they had the greatest ‘independence’ of all. Tragic, yet intriguing..

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In the end, the one who has always felt the taste of ‘independence’ is the one who did not join those two groups (The Dark Side and The Darker Side), the one who always aligned to neutrality, the one who could mix with any groups without restricted to any boundaries (yet they have their own stand and principles). So free to feel the taste of freedom as if ‘air mutlak’. The most neutral water that could go anywhere – drinks, toilets, laboratories, sea, lake, mountains, even on the most ‘secret’ and ‘sacred’ part of a human’s body. The one who ‘cleanse’ all, also the one who could ‘absorb’ all - redeemer and destroyer.

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Happy Independence Day. May He shows us the opportunity to feel the true value for the taste of independence in changing our world..

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Is this love? Because I do not feel the same today. Will it be enough to take away the pain? Is this love? Because something is pulling at my heart. I have been alone so long. I would not know where to start. Oh my God, if it is only a dream, do not wake me in the end. Oh my God, will this feeling ever die? How can I explain to you, the way you saved my life?

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The innocence is gone. But still I am holding on. Searching for love that lasts forever. Looking for a place where love can hide away. Taking a chance, it is now or never. Maybe it is time to draw the line. There is just one thing that is on my mind:

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Is it lust? Is it love?

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Whatever it is, I cannot get enough. When I look around, tell me who can I trust? Lovers come and go. Sometimes it is hard to know if this will be a night to treasure. When the damage has been done, and the hurting has begun, you will justify a moment’s pleasure. Is it love?

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You give me your smile, a piece of your heart. You give me the feel I have been looking for. You give me your soul, your innocent love. You are the one I have been waiting for. We are lost in a kiss, a moment in time – forever young. Just forever. Just forever in love.

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You make me dream by the look in your eyes. You give me the feel I have been longing for. I want to give you my soul all my life, because you are the one I have been waiting for so long. When you came into my life, it took my breath away. And the world stopped turning around for your love. Because your love has found it’s way to my heart. Into my heart.

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Girl, it has been a long time since we have been apart. Much too long for a man who needs love. I have missed you since I have been away. It was not easy to leave you alone. Getting harder each time that I let go. If I had the choice, I would stay.

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Girl, there are really no words strong enough to describe all my longing for love. I do not want my feeling restrained. Oh baby, I just need you like never before. Just imagined you would come through this door – you would take all my sorrow away. There’s no one like you. I can’t wait for the nights with you. I imagine the things that we do. I just want to be loved by you. No one like you. I cannot wait for the nights with you.

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New love is blind. Why don’t you see? You hurt me inside, you are killing me. It makes me sad all the time to see you around with all these guys. My heart is in pain, I need you so. My love is the same, so please do not go. Let us try again. There is still romance. We will start a new life, take a chance. There are so many ways. Please do not forget it any day. You give me all I need.

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Hello again. You have been alone awhile, and I can use a friend. Your shades are down and I have been waiting here for you to come around. And it is not about forgiveness because it is all about the love anyhow. Take another breath. Just close your eyes, my love. Let nature do the rest. Open up your wings and with the wind we will rise above to higher things. We will forget about tomorrow and we will live another day today.

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We were born to fly to reach beyond the sky, to carry on forever after – you and I. You keep my faith alive. With you I am not afraid to rise and fall and face disaster – you and I. We were born to fly.

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Time.. It needs time to win back your love again. Love.. Only love can bring back your love someday. I will fight to win back your love again. Only love can break down the wall someday. Try to trust in my love again. Just should not be thrown away. I will be there.

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If we would go again all the way from the start, I would try to change the things that killed our love. Your pride has built a wall, so strong that I cannot get through. Is there really no chance to start once again? I am still loving you.

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Holding on to you like broken glass – every touch cuts deeper than the last. I know I should leave. But it feels so good to bleed. Poison kisses lock us in this cage. Our lives got twisted in this masquerade. I cannot seem to shake this incurable need – this endless addiction I feed. Run in to the shadows where we hide. Bodies tender as our worlds collide. Nothing is sacred and everything is wrong. But you and I keep holding on.

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Angels on fire. They fall from the sky. Heaven and hell will be burning tonight. Covered in ashes I cry out your name. And out of the flames, we will rise again. No temptation is my sin, not my darkest deepest whim.

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When I look at you, I can see the sadness in your eyes. In these desperate times, we get pushed and shoved from every side. Oh, I’ve got a lot of loving to show you. You know I would never want to control you. I only want to be by your side. I cannot love you if you won’t let me. Cannot touch me if you do not try. I can feel you. I know that you are ready to take it to the other side. Love will keep us alive. Let us make the moment right. It is now or never. Even the darkest night will shine forever. Love will keep us alive.

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When you walk away, there is an empty feeling in my mind. As the days go by, we get caught up in our separate lives. If you need me, you know I will come running right to you. Just give me a sign, I won’t leave you. We will make it together and take it to the end of time.

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So here we are. It is hour one and it is a nightmare. There is nothing left and yet it is good to be alive. There is no use crying because the universe is not fair. The wicked and the innocent are fighting to survive. Human nature is the reason for our downfall. And we deserve it – playing God with our machines. Our religions are a ‘prison’ - that is our fatal flaw. Bombs are flying while we are sleeping with the enemy.

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Child, stay down. You better run for cover underground. You better shut your mouth, do not make a sound. Look at me, right at me, when I am telling you to stay down. Come to me, run to me. I am begging you to stay down. Cling to me desperately. All you have to do is stay down. Pay attention my child, ‘down’..

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The time has come for me to talk to you. And I do not mean to hurt your pride. But everybody needs a friend sometimes – to make you see the light. You are born to hunt and never run away. And then you were hunted by the prey. The wounded deer leaps highest to the sun until his day is done.

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In the game of life, the strong survive. We are on a one-way street, we got to make it out alive and never let them drag us down in the game of life. We live and die, another breath begins, another chance to win the fight from the moment that you hit the ground.

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Here comes the morning. It is time to play ‘The Game of Life’.

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I am a man, trying to understand the reason I am lost in this world tonight. I was blind, I just could not see the signs – caught in your web of lies. It’s too dark to sleep, too late to pray, too hard to reach, too much to save.

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Life goes by faster than lightning strikes. Crashes before you can say “Goodbye”. Too scared to run, too proud to hide, too far to fall, too high to climb. I laid down my defenses, I opened up the door. I gave you what you wanted. I couldn’t give you more and I gave you everything. You said “It’s ALL or NOTHING”. To you it is just a game. A game you are never losing.

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You were once a friend to me. Now you are my enemy. Passion turns to hate. And you make hate worth fighting for. I will re-write history and you will not exist to me. On the day you crossed the line, I found out love is WAR.

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Humanity, auf wiedersehen. It is time to say goodbye. The party is over as the laughter dies and angel cries. It is au revoir to your insanity. You sold your soul to feed your vanity, your fantasies and lies. Be on your way. Adios amigo, there is a price to pay for all the egotistic games you played. The world you made is gone.

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Run and hide. There’s fire in the sky. Stay inside. The water is going to rise and pull you under. In your eyes, I am staring at the end of time. Nothing can change us – no one can save us from ourselves.

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You are a drop in the rain. Just ‘a number’, not ‘a name’. And you do not see it, you do not believe it. At the end of the day, you are a needle in the hay - you signed and sealed it. And now you got to deal with it.

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Humanity, goodbye..

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Those are not mine actually. They are the compilation of these songs:

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This looks intriguing (depends on one’s perception and interest in translating it):

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“Our religions are a ‘prison’ - that is our fatal flaw.”

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Provocative.. Yet, I have my own point of views regarding this matter. And I am totally agreed with it. If you are a person full with assumptions, it seems that you have already thought negatively with negative judgments about me towards my belief on that matter. But if you see what I see, if you feel as I feel, and if you seek as I seek, you surely will understand the rationale beneath it.

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Anyway, all good things await for those who waits..

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Until then, aur revoir..

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Six entries lie ahead..

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For only six chances I have in determining the style and also the content in the upcoming more ‘mature’ entries to come. For now, the style of a dark evil emperor who hungers for power attracts me. Intellectual, cultured palate and extremely aristocratic tastes, it would best be described as a combination of Hannibal Lecter, Vlad the Impaler, V for Vendetta and Kain, but with a compassionate side that becomes evident on many occasions.

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Yes, I am now addicted to power. As they all said;

“A man’s life can be corrupted by these three components; women, wealth and power.”

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Several eons ago, my life had been corrupted by a woman. Thus the fraudulent had been tasted. Now, I would like to seek more power as to experiment my own self upon the feelings of being consumed by it. Thus, I have to affiliate myself to it, attached to it and focus my concentration to it. This would be interesting, wouldn’t it?

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Ah, yes.. “Affiliation”.. How amusing when one was affiliated with a clan (or to some, the terms ‘school’, ‘batch’, or ‘club’ might be more accurate). Most ironic of all, were the hardships to be recognized in the clan itself, as were to quit it. When one was so attached to it, surely it shows that his/her involvement means something either within the clan itself, or just within his/her own point of view. Whether that period of ‘attachment’ has changed him/her much or less, as long as it has its sentimental (or better still, a ‘monumental’) value to one’s self, one will always has the need to feel ‘belonged’ to that particular clan.

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Unless.. The period of attachment to the clan itself has changed nothing to one’s self. Or perhaps the clan members themselves were meaningless – or in ruthless, yet ‘respectful’ words, have already expired their values and usage – to one’s self. Ah, yes. In just one simple word, they had already become obsolete throughout the journey of one’s life.

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A heartbreaking truth, yet intriguing indeed. No one could be blamed for it. It was an unsurprisingly human nature – to manipulate other humans to accomplish one’s own needs. As if it was business, but in a more ‘subtle’ situation. One would satisfy in gaining something that he/she needs, as long as the penalty for the transaction is reasonable. Even one’s affiliation cannot outrun the reality of the trade. For once a man has joined a clan, he was bound to it. And surely with a dearly price – loyalty.

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Indeed a man alone is fragile. But if he was belonged to a community, a group of other men, he then decreased his vulnerability. But that was just a trivial alibi. In reality, the main reason any man would affiliate himself to a clan was the satisfactory feelings of being appreciated by other human being – the clan itself.

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Huh.. Any ‘MAN’..

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As for me, an invitation has been received – an assembly of old associates, as well as old archenemies. It will be held at the end of this month, the date of independence of our motherland. It has been a long time since I have met those people. It will be a nostalgic moment indeed (as well as cold-blooded vendetta).

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Eons ago, long before I enter the gates of ‘The Universe’ (or some may understand better with the term ‘university’), we were a fine immature society, trapped in the realm of youth. It was in that realm where we all have met and proclaimed our intended destinies, as well as our identities. And within that voyage of life, some have encountered power, love, trust, friendship, excitement, vengeance, death, and more. Some also may not even altered, and remain equivalent throughout the whole journey in that realm. While I, have found nothing. Yet, I’ve changed slightly.

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Nothingness..

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It was not because of the never-ending search for destiny, or the unspeakable torment of dilemma in choosing the most suitable identity. There was nothing in that realm that could attract my interest. In my sight of wisdom, all of them were just meaningless, as well as worthless. And thus, in that epoch, I was to suffer the fate of inadequate and unbeneficial beings – an eternal damnation of boredom.

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But seeing it in the eyes of a puppet master, without realizing, I slowly changed. As if each every path which I have chosen with my free will has led me closer to my intended destiny – the sacred gates of truth about one’s self. Thus, upon my curiosity, do I really created my own destiny with my free will, or just dragged by the flow of time towards my artificial history and arranged destiny?

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That, I still do not know. Perhaps it is just the same. We may assume that we took the right course of actions with our free will, but instead, they were just the predicted acts, orchestrated by the hands of the prime mover who cultivates the strings of the puppet, carefully arranged us to feel the freedom of free will in implementing his plans in his desired direction. Without even realizing it, we were just pawns of a mastermind.

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Thus, that had made the realm worthless to me. A realm whereby each person became pawns of someone else. A realm where each person was so desperate to affiliate and belong to certain community, to be acknowledged, to be belonged, even though they have already knew the price for the equivalent trade – being manipulated as a puppet.

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It was that reason that had made me to realize about ‘free will’. To seek something which only attracts my own attention, and against the interest of others. However, not much things could attract me. Thus, that epoch was the most tedious period of my voyage of life.

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To some, I was an ignorant fool, filled with defiance and stubbornness, unable to comply towards their orders and commands. But to most of them, I am just nobody, an unaffiliated member, a strayed dog.

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For several times, I have infiltrated into several sub clans. Yet, nothing in those clans could please my needs. And thus, my hunt to satisfy this relentless hunger had come to waste. Each every day I was tormented by boredom. My mind level was stagnant and constrained by some of those wretched fools. As an outcome, as if I was ‘paralyzed’ throughout the period in that realm. Imprisoned in time.

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With no enhancement which benefits me, time started to be wasted, hatred started to breed. With all the hates in my veins, I hate all. Hate the realm, hate those wretched fools, hate the place, and most of all, my own existence in that very realm with unfulfilled improvement which could satisfy this relentless hunger for something new and different, yet practical.

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At last, the moment I had been waiting for has arrived. The moment of freedom from the torment of boredom and hypocrisy in that hated realm. Just a flick after my last task in finishing the last manuscript (or in a normal terms ‘the last paper of the exam’), my vengeful spirit aroused. Without any hesitation and time wasted, I plunged out from the realm without even saying farewell to any of its peasants. Freedom was more precious than the word ‘goodbye’ or pictures with all those peasants.

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It was that freedom that had led me to my destiny, the gates of The Universe. Even though I was cast away from my own clan (the batch Jan 2000), I have been received by a more valuable ‘mixed’ clan which had altered me a lot, and thus fulfilled my previous hunger. The price for the transaction was high. I had to pay it with humiliations, failures, money, and most of all, time – my lifespan indeed. Yet with so much investment, I would not mind to pledge my loyalty as long as I gain the benefits and fulfilled my inner and outer needs. The law of equivalent trade.

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Thus, to my old acquaintances and archenemies.. The truth is, I am not interested at all to be belonged with all of you, or rather, with your clan. In a more direct way to say it, I decline your invitation. I know you want to produce a record, the profile of each peasant in that previous realm. Well, just proceed your effort without me. You have no need of me, and I have no need of you. You don’t have any transaction which attracts me to do business with you anymore. You also did not promise me any benefits. And even though you had promised to give co-operation, I would promise you the same, but it would be a lie.. And thus, the transaction should end.

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Perhaps if previously one of your wretched fools did not dishonor the knowledge that I had gained in my current clan, I would be interested to give co-operation with you even though I don’t even feel related with your clan.

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You may humiliate me, you may even put my document (resume) in disgrace. Because for those actions, they only involving me. Thus, I may have forgiven you. But since one of your wretched idiots has already dishonored THE KNOWLEDGE which I had gained, and most of all, my current clan itself, those are absolutely unforgivable. And of course, I would not like to accept your invitation just to meet that wretched idiot, wouldn’t I?

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I would be pleased to be forgotten by your clan, or perhaps be deleted from all of your memories. This is because I would do the same thing to you and your clan too. And most of all, I have something much more important thing to pursue (power) than attending your clan’s assembly, which the content of its tentative does not interests me at all.

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“Take help where it is offered. But I have always found that help offered when not needed. As usually no help at all..”

(Kain, The Legacy of Kain: Blood Omen 2)

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And thus, I decline my attachment and withdraw my affiliation from your clan.

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But wouldn’t it just useless?

I had already rejected and despised your clan eons ago..

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