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Hmm.. Tinggal lagi lapan entry untuk sampai ke arah tempoh kematangan dalam bentuk penulisan. Bukannya tak boleh matang awal, atau bukannya lambat matang. Cumanya, nak kena tahu juga corak yang bagaimana yang sebenarnya paling sesuai untuk disampaikan di dalam blog yang sebegini, dan kena ambil kira juga golongan mana yang membacanya. Kemudian barulah dapat setkan standardnya.

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Bila gunakan bahasa pasar, dikata pula tak menepati standard bahasa sebenar. Bila guna bahasa standard, dikata pula terlalu serius dalam membincangkan seuatu isu. Bila guna gaya lawak, dikatakan tidak serius, mempermain-mainkan, malah memperlekehkan isu yang serius. Bila guna gaya carut, dikata pula tak bermoral. Bila guna gaya bahasa yang nampak ‘Islamik’, dikata pula aku ni buang tebiat.

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Sangat memeningkan. Aku sendiri masih tak pasti golongan sasar sebenar yang harus aku berikan fokus. Golongan muda? Golongan intelek? Golongan tua? Golongan Islamik? Semuanya perlu kepada style yang tertentu untuk disesuaikan dengan tahap penerimaan masing-masing.

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Bila guna style golongan muda, golongan tua pula yang menegur bahawa the content of the blog are very demeaning and do not portray as a university student. Bila guna style golongan tua, yang muda pula rasa muak dan bosan lalu berkurangan minatnya untuk meneruskan pembacaan. Bila ditujukan pada golongan intelek, golongan yang kurang intelek pula akan kurang minat untuk membaca. Bila guna style golongan Islamik pula, golongan mungkar pula yang akan menjauhkan diri.

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I am now stuck in the realm of dilemma, tormented by each choice that had been given to me. Thus, Kain’s question always haunted my mind:

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“Given the choice.. Whether to rule a corrupted empire, or to challenge the fate of another throw, a better throw against one’s destiny.. What was a king to do..?”

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Relax..

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Take a deep breath..

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Calmly lay down..

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Loosen up the muscles..

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Close the eyes..

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Then, think..

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ZzzzZZZZzzzZZZZzzzzZZzzz~~

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Dua jam kemudian..

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Thinking it deeply, now I realized.. All these years, for whom do I actually wrote these entries? It is not for those people. It is for ME, my own self..!! Then why should I care about other readers because the one which these entries are meant to were actually me. For my own use and purpose. As a reminder when I forgot the one that I should remember. As my last resort when all hope is gone. As a scar that would remind me of the pains that I have bear for the wounds that have inflicted me in the past.

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That is the true objective. That is my true purpose. Seems like I have forgotten about it. Since the first time this blog was born, that was its true destiny. While I have graduated from the university, the purpose of the blog has started to change – as a supporting material which can impress the companies that I had applied to start my career. As I realized that this blog was read by various types of people, then the poll was inserted as to satisfy everybody to live happily ever after in this kingdom of hell. Thus, that is the current objective.

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However, I also realized that I am not living in a very ideal world. The reality is, I cannot satisfy everybody. So why should I care about all of them? Perhaps it was because of my jealousy of those people who lived in their ideal world of their own – good academic results, get a good job with good salary, have a very good relationship which ended nicely with a good marriage, and everything which is good and ideal, which becomes the dream of everybody else including me.

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I really envy those people who can have those things. I really envy those people who always could do it right for the first time, instead of learning from mistakes. I always envy them as to have the ‘ideal life’ that I had always dreamt about. Just looking at them made me wanna puke and felt that my life is pathetic and decreasing my will and morale. Planning and trying so hard to achieve something, but in the end, what I faced are just failures. They actually made me feel unappreciated and betrayed..

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It was those feelings that should be the reminder for me in improving my own creativity of my self in finding various solutions in my life, and thus, evoking my ‘other side’ to co-operate with my former self in creating my own destiny. Living in hardship, in the opposite of ideal life, had made my blinded heart to see what other ‘ideal’ assholes cannot – the struggling for survival, the sacrifices that should be made, the pains and tortures that should be bear, the time that had been consumed, and most of all, the ‘other sides’ of my inner self that had not been explored before.

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Those are the things that had motivated me and replenish my decreased will and morale to proceed with my own life with my own way. It was those things hat had given me the good feelings in seeing my whole life a new me everyday. With each new side of my inner self explored, I gained better comprehension of my own self, my own capacity and my own strengths and weaknesses.

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For once, I despised my ‘other side’ for being useless and reckless in managing the whole kingdom of me. The one with pure evil – redeemer and destroyer. One who energized his whole life with rage, vengeance and hatred. The one with unlimited ego added with the lust for power and control. A barbaric selfish being who only thinks of himself and will destroy everything in his path without neither any hesitation nor regret.

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But in the end, it was he who helped me a lot in healing my wounds. It was his ignorance that had been the tranquilizer for me to bear the unspeakable pain. It was his ego that had made me not to give up easily. It was his lust and hunger for vengeance that had replenished my will and morale to survive, and thus strike back to whomever assholes that I wish to beat ‘em back to the fifth grade.

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It was this ‘combination’ that had made me who I really am. The mixture of these two opposite forces that had made me to view something in a wider dimension, and thus generating more solutions in achieving my goals. It is with this synchronization, then I understood about the real POWER within me..!!

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Even if our methods are different (one will use honorable methods, while the other will use vengeance), the important thing is the similarity in our objective – to pursuit power and prove to other ‘ideal’ assholes that I can achieve it even with the worst case scenario..!!

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I know this may sounds crazy. But actually, this ‘evil fellow’ does really help me a lot. And I am really thankful to God for giving each human being with this ‘gift’ within our inner self in understanding the true nature of a human being. Some may not understand what I am talking about. But if we use ‘Bleach’ anime analogy, I think you would understand.

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And thus, what format will I choose for my 100^th entry..? It is up to me to choose, for my own use and benefits..!! I have my own plans and in achieving those plans, I will utilize this blog to my own will..!!

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“But does one truly ever have a choice..? One can only match, move by move, the machinations of fate.. And thus, defy the tyrannous stars..!!”

(Kain, Legacy of Kain: Defiance)

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